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Were you really a girl-girl back in the day? As a parent, these kinds of pictures of a happy girl in a pink dress are of course beautiful to see. Hopefully her childhood is carefree and full of unconditional love.
Unconditional love
I think everyone would like this, just be who you are, without fear of rejection and disapproval. If you're here, you'll somehow recognize what I'm talking about. The course of life is of course different for everyone and it is or is not easily recognizable or visible what played when you were little. It wasn't very visible to me and I didn't know any different. Now after a search of more than ten years I can say that I better accept that a person is not just good or evil. Only the word 'parent' and especially its meaning should be earned in my opinion. With regard to children, it is certainly the intention that the best interests of the child come first and that the child can continue to rely on the home base, be guided in all aspects of life and be supported if necessary. I am not a therapist, psychologist, just an experience expert and describe here my experience and my struggle that I now know has to do with what was not there before.
Across generations
I think I experienced misunderstanding and powerlessness for the most part before I came to better understand what happened. Even though I thought I had a stable home base and that everything was very normal, I started to shape my life myself more and more and the disapproval became more visible. Not even that I did strange things, but more that my choices didn't meet my parents' standard. Now that is not a problem if there is good contact and questions can be asked if something is not understood and that there is mutual respect as adults among each other. However, if that is not there, it becomes difficult and it is never 'good enough'. The relationship never grew into an equal form. In my experience, to outgrow this or to learn to rise above it is the most important, but also the most difficult step. All you have to do in this life is become yourself...
Only by creating distance and consciously working with your story with the help of therapy have I been able to accept that it is not my fault and that parents cannot give what they do not have because they have not learned this either . Even though I now have more of an explanation and I understand the context of how things worked, it is still not possible in the here and now to step back into a familial relationship that has become so disrupted. The old pain remains, but there is nevertheless more room to look to the future.
Which should have been...
Being emotionally developed does not mean that you always react correctly, but that you are aware of what you feel and can put it into words. Even if it is with a delay and you can get back to business. As a child you should learn this from your parents in a normal situation so that you learn that there are positive and negative emotions, which ones they are and that all of these may be there. What a wealth that is!
In my situation I was probably comforted if I had fallen or something like that, but the point is that you don't structurally ignore what is going on internally. I still find that very difficult because it is also difficult to learn at a later age. It is therefore not surprising that if you are more closed off from your feeling because you have not been taught this properly, you will linger in your survival mechanism. For me, that was mainly adapting, not feeling and continuing until it is no longer possible.
Another additional 'problem' is that you cannot properly interpret events in the world when interacting with others, which often results in a mismatch in communication or that you shoot even deeper into your survival mechanism because you don't understand things. Because of this, my body is still full of tension and this continues to be a struggle on a daily basis. Even though we break the circle by learning about this, it doesn't mean that everything is solved immediately. We will at least make it a little easier for future generations.
Personal development
Giving yourself what you should have received earlier... that's a long way and it goes with trial and error. Fortunately, there are also people who have received this translation from home or have also learned this later and who can guide you in healing this lack. This way you can really ground more in yourself and feel that what you feel does matter. If you are struggling with similar problems, talk to someone you trust and seek good guidance.
What helped me a lot is feeling free by being creative, so just crafting, drawing, painting, writing or making a nice online post. You are not broken even though it may feel that way, you need understanding and space to grow into your real self. Go on a quest to process and remember that you are not alone. At DOUFAN-DOUFAN you can share, celebrate your successes and show your creative expressions. Good luck!
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