When feeling comes to your understanding...

Off again for a few days, like a zombie you move through the day...

The last day of trauma therapy and I am now not avoiding the opportunity to say what I know and think. The moment is approaching and I already get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Why? This is of no use anymore, this is over and I've been here for a year in this program, but it's not too bad with me... It's not all that bad.

Until I open my mouth and reflect what was, the situation and interaction sketches how I viewed things and what it did to me. My voice falters with a lump in my throat, but it will come. My shoulders tighten and my jaw feels tight. With my hands I first hold my stomach and later I rub my cheeks.

My therapist was impressed. What happened now I wonder later. Sleep at home first, I'm dead tired.

The next day starts with a headache and my whole body protests. No not again, days when I can't do anything. Did I do well again? Recovered at work and now I can't just participate 'normally' again. It feels like back to square one.

But something has changed. For the first time I feel that I am indeed right in the Trauma group. That my complaints are not an ordinary migraine or an irritable bowel, they are really PTSD complaints. Complaints that I am so familiar with and that have already somewhat diminished, but which therefore rear their heads again in such a confrontation.

The gap between my understanding of what I've learned about the context of trauma across generations, missing the life lessons about feelings and that that's necessary to feel safe in your own body, emotional neglect, and my sense of my own situation is shrinking.

Integration of ratio with your feeling... how far? It's exhausting. I hope not far away, so that energy is released for more positive things.

If you recognize the process, let me know your tips or questions as a comment under this post or send a comment to hester@doufan-doufan.com